In a modern world increasingly focused on external validation, the concept of self-love has become clouded by contradictions. Some equate it with selfishness, others with indulgence. But in truth, self-love, or Philautia, as the Ancient Greeks called it, is neither of these things. It is the cornerstone of healthy emotional functioning. Without it, wellbeing remains fragile and our ability to connect with others becomes compromised.
In What’s Love Got to Do With It?, I explore the different types of love and their roles in emotional development. Among them, Philautia stands out as the form of love that gives all others their stability. It is not performative, nor is it about ego. It is about emotional authenticity. When we fail to develop a healthy sense of Philautia, we become actors in our own lives, performing roles rather than living them.
In Fore-play, Fair-play and Foul-play, I write about the games people play with emotions, often unconsciously, when they are disconnected from their inner truth. Philautia provides the antidote to these games. It creates the conditions for fair play, honest, responsible, and meaningful connection with ourselves and others.
So why is Philautia so crucial to our wellbeing, and how does it affect the way we show up in the world? Let’s look more closely.
Philautia is Not Selfishness
We must first unpick the common misunderstanding that loving oneself is inherently selfish. The kind of self-love that encourages arrogance or disregard for others is not Philautia. That is a distortion, often rooted in insecurity.
Philautia is the love we have for ourselves that recognises our intrinsic worth. It allows us to value our emotional experience, acknowledge our needs, and take responsibility for how we feel. It is not about being the centre of attention, but about being centred in oneself.
When this form of love is absent, we are prone to all sorts of defensive behaviours. We may overextend ourselves to gain approval, stay silent to avoid conflict, or lash out when we feel threatened. None of these patterns represent true connection. They are emotional strategies designed to protect a self that does not feel secure.
Wellbeing Begins with Emotional Responsibility
One of the core principles in Emotional Assertiveness is that no one makes us feel anything. Others may stimulate emotions in us, but those feelings belong to us. They are our responsibility.
Philautia makes it possible to take this responsibility without judgement or blame. When we feel anxious, sad, or angry, we do not berate ourselves for being weak or irrational. We listen. We ask:
What is this emotion telling me about what I need?
In this way, emotional responsibility becomes a path to emotional health. Rather than reacting or suppressing, we respond with awareness. We recognise that our needs are legitimate and that it is up to us to meet them in appropriate, respectful ways.
This is the heart of wellbeing. Not simply the absence of stress or distress, but the presence of emotional integrity.
The Relationship Between Self and Others
Philautia is not about loving ourselves in isolation. Quite the opposite. It is what allows us to bring our full selves into relationship with others.
When we do not value ourselves, we may look to others to complete us, fix us, or affirm us. This puts pressure on relationships to fulfil roles they were never meant to hold. It also opens the door to unhealthy dynamics – dependency, people-pleasing, manipulation, or withdrawal.
When Philautia is present, we are not seeking completion through others. We are already whole. We can give and receive love freely, without keeping score. We can tolerate difference, accept feedback, and express our needs without fear.
This does not mean we never struggle. But it does mean we are more resilient, more able to repair ruptures, and less likely to become trapped in patterns of emotional drama.
Self-Love in Practice
Philautia is not a concept to be admired from afar. It is a daily practice. It lives in the way we speak to ourselves, the boundaries we set, and the way we respond to our own feelings.
Here are some ways to cultivate it, rooted in the Emotional Assertiveness model:
- Acknowledge your emotions honestly
Rather than dismiss or deny how you feel, give yourself permission to name your emotions. Say them aloud. Write them down. Feel them in your body. Emotions are not threats. They are signals. - Identify the need behind the feeling
Every emotion contains useful information. Sadness may indicate a need for comfort or connection. Anger may highlight a need for fairness or recognition. Fear may point to a need for safety. Listening to these needs is an act of self-respect. - Communicate with ownership
Rather than blaming others for how you feel, speak from the ‘I’. For example, “I feel anxious because I need more clarity about what is expected of me.” This invites collaboration instead of conflict. - Set boundaries that honour both self and other
Philautia means recognising your limits. Saying no when you need to. Taking rest. Not apologising for your feelings. At the same time, it means respecting others’ boundaries as well. - Let go of perfectionism
Self-love does not require perfection. It requires presence. It means being with yourself in your joy and in your mess, without turning away.
The Impact on Others
When we practise Philautia, we become safer to be around. Not because we never get upset or make mistakes, but because we are emotionally honest and consistent. Others know where they stand. They are not on the receiving end of unspoken resentment, hidden agendas, or emotional outbursts.
In families, this creates trust. In workplaces, it builds accountability. In friendships and partnerships, it fosters depth. Most importantly, it allows us to give from a full heart, not from a place of emotional deficit.
Start From Within
In the end, Philautia is not a luxury. It is a necessity. It is not something we earn. It is something we cultivate. And when we do, everything else changes.
We become more grounded, more open, and more capable of real connection. We stop looking for others to complete us, and start building relationships based on mutual respect and emotional maturity.
So, if you are striving to be your best self for others, as a parent, partner, leader, or friend, begin by turning inward. Learn to love yourself, not in a superficial or idealised way, but in a grounded, emotionally responsible way.
Philautia isn’t something you can absorb in theory, it’s something you practice. That’s why we created a short, practical checklist. If you’d like a copy, reach out to us directly at info@teamemotion.com and we’ll send it to you.
Remember, Philautia is not the destination, it is the foundation. And without it, everything else is built on shaky ground.
With Love