For a long time, emotions have had a bit of an image problem.
They’re often labelled as messy, irrational, or something to “get over,” “push through,” or “leave at the door.” In professional settings especially, emotions are still quietly viewed as an inconvenience, something that gets in the way of clear thinking and good decision-making.
But this belief is not only outdated, it’s deeply misleading.
Emotions are not a flaw in our design. They are a feature.
Just as pain and pleasure exist to support our physical health, emotions exist to facilitate our psychological wellbeing. They are information systems, constantly monitoring change, alerting us to needs, boundaries, connection, and threat. When understood and responded to well, emotions don’t weaken us; they strengthen us.
Emotions as a Health Mechanism
Pain tells us something is wrong in the body. Pleasure tells us something is nourishing or beneficial. We don’t label pain as “bad” or pleasure as “good” in isolation, we recognise them as signals.
Emotions function in exactly the same way.
- Anger may signal a crossed boundary.
- Sadness may point to loss or unmet needs.
- Fear may alert us to danger or uncertainty.
- Joy may indicate alignment, safety, or connection.
When emotions are acknowledged and managed well, they promote both emotional and physical health. When they are ignored, suppressed, or misunderstood, they often show up elsewhere, through stress, burnout, chronic tension, anxiety, and even physical illness. We now know that many physical health issues are closely linked to poorly managed emotions and strained relationships.
Our bodies keep the score.
Communication Is Emotional First, Logical Second
One of the most compelling reasons emotions matter so deeply is because they dominate how we communicate.
Research by Mehrabian and Ferris (1967) showed that the actual words we use account for less than 10% of communication. The remaining 90%+ is carried through what’s known as the emotional channel:
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Tone of voice
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Facial expression
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Gestures
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Posture
These four elements carry the emotional content of every message we send.
We instinctively know this. We can hear when someone says “I’m fine” but doesn’t mean it. We can feel tension in a room without a single word being spoken. Communication doesn’t start with logic, it starts with emotion.
And yet, many coaching, leadership, and development programmes focus almost exclusively on questions, frameworks, and structured thinking. There is nothing wrong with this, logic absolutely has its place. But when emotional intelligence (EQ) is missing, progress often stalls.
Why?
Because most blocks to problem-solving are not logical.
They are emotional.
Unresolved emotional dissonance, conflicting feelings, unmet needs, unexpressed boundaries, can quietly sabotage even the most well-structured conversations. When we learn to work with emotions rather than around them, those blocks dissolve far more quickly.
We Were Emotional Long Before We Were Logical
From an evolutionary perspective, emotions came first.
Before early humans developed language, communication relied almost entirely on non-verbal emotional expression, facial cues, posture, sounds, and gestures. These signals were essential for survival, bonding, and cooperation.
We see this echoed from the very start of life.
As babies, emotions are our first language. Crying, smiling, reaching, and withdrawing are all emotional communications. Long before we can speak, we are already expressing needs, preferences, and boundaries through emotion.
This emotional wiring never goes away. It simply gets layered over with language, rules, and social expectations.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, and the Wisdom Beneath It
When we experience stress or threat, the amygdala receives information faster than the thinking part of the brain can process it. This triggers the familiar fight, flight, or freeze response, an emotional reaction that happens before we’ve had time to logically assess the situation.
Emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness flow from this process. They arrive quickly and powerfully, offering what can be thought of as information bites, clues pointing us towards what needs attention.
The problem isn’t that emotions arrive before logic.
The problem is when we stop there.
When we slow down, get curious, and combine emotion with clear thinking, those information bites become guidance, helping us choose healthier responses, clearer communication, and more constructive outcomes.
There Are No Negative or Positive Emotions
One of the most damaging myths about emotions is the idea that some are “good” and others are “bad.”
Emotions simply are.
What can be positive or negative are our responses to them.
Anger expressed with awareness can protect boundaries and restore balance.
Anger expressed unconsciously can damage relationships.
Fear acknowledged can lead to preparation and care.
Fear ignored can lead to avoidance or control.
When we stop judging emotions and start understanding them, we regain choice.
Strengthening Relationships Through Emotional Assertiveness
This is where The Emotional Assertiveness Model offers something truly powerful.
Rather than suppressing emotions or being overwhelmed by them, Emotional Assertiveness teaches us how to identify, name, and work with emotions consciously, ours and others’.
A key tool within the model is the Feelings Wheel.
The Feelings Wheel helps us move beyond vague labels like “stressed” or “fine” and into clearer emotional awareness. By identifying core emotions and their more nuanced expressions, we gain language for what’s actually happening inside us.
And clarity changes everything.
When emotions are named accurately, they can be communicated responsibly. When combined with clear thinking, they become a bridge, not a barrier, to connection, understanding, and trust.
This is how emotions strengthen relationships rather than sabotage them.
Learning More
If you’d like to explore this work more deeply, The Emotional Assertiveness Model and the Feelings Wheel are explored in detail in Fore-play, Fair-play and Foul-play by John Parr, the founder of the model.
The book offers a practical, compassionate framework for understanding emotions, improving communication, and building healthier relationships, personally and professionally.
Because emotions were never the problem.
They’ve been the answer all along.