The Institute of Coaching Studies defines coaching, – coaching is a collaborative process supported by the coach who creates a safe space for exploration; and led by the client who shares what is of importance to them to create positive, sustainable change.
Important in this definition is ‘the process is collaborative and involves the creation of a safe place’. In communication, collaboration, and safety, are central to all healthy human interaction. Emotions were our first language, babies and caretakers communicate through emotional channels. Words came later; we behave as if the spoken word is how to communicate. However, long before the development of speech, body language held the key to communication. Body language and tone of voice enhance communication through applied emotional intelligence.
Adult communication is 90% emotions, i.e. body language and tone of voice, words only 10%. When we pay attention to the emotional channel of communication, we are more effective communicators.
Cooperation is achieved through the formation of interpersonal bonds of attachment, something we are less aware of, and yet is the core of human existence. We succeeded as a species because we learned to cooperate. Our ancestors’ forms family and tribal groups, with attachment and bonding as the glue that holds these groups together. It is simply a fact, when we are successful at communication, our human endeavours are more effective, and this means forming bonds.
Coach training often focussed upon logic, data, questioning and discovery, i.e. the content. Such training is very helpful and often more than good enough. However, at ‘stuck times’ when the client seems to be blocked and logic fails, it is the emotional content that can lead to the breakthrough. Blocks to creativity and productivity are often not about the client’s lack of skill or knowledge, but self-doubt, and self-limiting ‘inner speak’. Unconscious, processes, most often underpinned by some emotionally charged, restricting belief systems.
Therefore, in the coaching relationship, our awareness and application of emotional connections are an essential tool.
The Power of Emotional Assertiveness™
In my therapy practice, back in the early 1990’s, I discovered that clients fell broadly into two clusters, those who when under stress used rationalisation as a defence, and those who avoided thinking and became overwhelmed by their emotions. I therefore, developed strategies to help both sorts, bring their thinking and emotions together. As they did this, they would quickly discover their patterns and achieve awareness and therapeutic movement. I wrote my MSc thesis on the model I created and have used it successfully ever since, refining it along the way.
My development of The Emotional Assertiveness Model™ (TEAM), is based upon the principle that there are only four primary emotions, Happiness, Anger, Sadness and Fear. All the other emotional displays are formed by mixing from this basic pallet of colours, much as there are primary and secondary colours. The important emotions for problem solving are the primary emotions, and it is important to refine compound emotions back to the primary to effectively gain traction in finding solutions. The Emotional Assertiveness Model, trains people to achieve this level of clarity, using simple yet effective tools.
I assert that there are no negative emotions, it is not the emotion that is positive or negative, rather it is how we express the emotion. That is, all four emotions can be expressed either positively, as problem solving tools, or negatively as self-defeating, negative pattern reinforcing unconscious strategies.
When emotions are expressed positively, they serve to assist us to forge cooperative bonds with others, when expressed negatively they are destructive. We do not express emotions negatively as a conscious process, but rather unconsciously due to patterns learned mostly in childhood, intended as defence mechanisms, but that lead to failure.
Because emotions are integral to human communication, when someone displays an emotion, we have a concomitant emotional response. Whether the emotion is expressed negatively or positively, the coaches’ experience of it, provides information about the emotional state of the other. When the coach self-examines, asking themselves, “What am I feeling, and what could this indicate?” they can often gain an understanding of where the clients communication block lies. Following up such intuitions by drawing the focus on the clients’ emotions, when in the ‘stuck place’ we can often uncover the unconscious process and facilitate the client finding release. Note: This all takes place in the here and now, it is not about regression work, as this is the province of psychotherapy.
Therefore, in a coaching session our most valuable tool is ourselves. By identifying the emotion, we have the key to facilitating the removal of the roadblock, taking us forward in the coaching process. In other words, we use our emotions and our thinking to avoid reinforcing our clients’ negative patters, and through disrupting them, help the client to see their process. I call this using joined up thinking and feeling.
Brief example: A client answers the coaches’ question saying, “I don’t know.”
The coach notices at the time of the question, their client’s facial expression briefly shows fear. The coach also notices that when the client said, “I don’t know.”, they experienced a slight annoyance. Briefly reflecting upon this, the coach understands that the client’s response is an invitation to enter an old pattern of getting nowhere and decides not to follow the pattern. (The pattern may be to avoid facing their fear, by entering into a blocking defence, the more the coach presses for an answer, the more defensive the client becomes) Therefore, the coach responds, “When I asked the question, what did you feel before you said, “I don’t know?”
The client thinks for a moment as replies, “I felt a little anxious.” Coach, “Will you take a moment and ask yourself, what was scary about that question.” As the client begins to unravel what their anxiety was about, they are stepping out of an old pattern and reviewing how they are preventing themselves from thinking clearly. For example, it may be that their boss reminds them of an old schoolteacher of whom they were afraid, and outside of their awareness respond towards the boss as if they were back in school again. They can account for their anxiety, discover resources to deal with their fears and move forward. Through enquiry about a process in the present, the client is facilitated in gaining understanding of self-defeating behaviours and empowered to bring about change.
The Emotional Assertiveness Model seeks to utilise the power of emotional connectivity, to enhance already well-developed interviewing and coaching techniques, by encouraging human cooperation.
If you’d like to utilise Emotional Assertiveness skills in your role as a coach, get in touch and let’s explore how you can get started.