You’ve probably heard someone say, “Oh, it was such a drama!” It’s a word that gets tossed around easily, but when we dig a little deeper, we often find a very old and familiar script running behind the scenes—one that keeps us emotionally stuck in unhelpful patterns; we become disconnected, and exhausted.
This is the Drama Triangle.
First described by Dr Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle maps out three dysfunctional roles people often adopt when conflict arises or when emotions feel too intense to manage authentically. In my work on Emotional Assertiveness, I use Dr Karpman’s work coupled with emotional intelligence to find healthy authentic solutions. I combine the two models to achieve a lived experience—one that we can transform through linking our logic with our authentic emotions to avoid old patterns and remain in the here and now.
Let’s take a closer look at Drama:
The Three Roles of the Drama Triangle
- The Victim
The position of the Victim is one of helplessness. The belief underpinning it is “I can’t cope. I’m overwhelmed. Someone else needs to fix this.” It’s important to note that this is not the same as being a victim of something harmful—it’s about taking a Victim Role emotionally, often to avoid the deeper discomfort of our authentic feelings.
Example: Anna misses a work deadline. Instead of acknowledging her vulnerability she tells her boss, I’ve got too much on! I’m not good enough. This always happens to me.” She’s stuck in the Victim role, believing she has no power to change the situation.
- The Rescuer
The fixer. The one who can’t stand to see others upset and steps in, often uninvited, to save the day. The Rescuer believes, “I know what you need better than you do.” But rescuing is rarely about the other person—it’s about us avoiding our own discomfort by tending to someone else’s. So doing in the guise of helping we create dependency.
Example: Tom hears his friend Sarah venting about a bad breakup. Before she’s even finished, he interrupts with, “You should block him. Honestly, he never deserved you. Come on, let’s go out tonight and forget about it!” Or “If I were you I would ….” Tom hasn’t asked what Sarah needs. He’s trying to fix the feelings he doesn’t want to feel in her—or himself.
- The Persecutor
The Persecutor lashes out, criticises, controls, or blames.. Instead of managing boundaries appropriately the Persecutor becomes rigid or attacks or blames.
Example: Sophie’s teenage son forgets to take out the bins. Instead of expressing healthy anger she shouts, “You’re so lazy! You never pull your weight.!” The message isn’t about her feelings—it’s an attack.
These roles are not fixed. We frequently switch between them.
Note the Roles are unconsciously held beliefs. They are bound up in our archaic defences.
Imagine this:
You start in the Rescuer role—doing too much for someone who didn’t ask. Eventually, you feel drained and unappreciated, so you move into the Victim role—“I give so much and get nothing back.” Then, in a moment of frustration, you snap—becoming the Persecutor—“You’re so selfish!”
Sound familiar?
This is what happens when we don’t feel our authentic emotions, combined with mutual respect and compassion.
The Way Out: Emotional Assertiveness
When we enter the Drama Triangle, we are emotionally defended. We are reacting, not responding. And we are disconnected—from ourselves, from our feelings, and from each other.
Emotional Assertiveness is the way out. It is not about never getting upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed. It’s about what we do next.
Emotional Assertiveness teaches us that our authentic emotions are not problems to fix or avoid—they are messages. They are our internal compass, guiding us toward connection, clarity, and personal responsibility.
Let’s look at how each Drama Triangle role transforms through Emotional Assertiveness:
From Victim to Emotionally Aware
Instead of saying, “This is too much. I can’t cope,” we say:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and afraid. Are you willing to support me?” I need some time to think and then talk this through with you.” By owning the feeling, rather than projecting helplessness, we regain agency and invite cooperation.
Transformation Example: Anna, from our earlier example, takes a deep breath before responding to her boss. “I feel anxious and disappointed in myself for missing the deadline. Are you available to talk about how I can manage my workload better next time?”
From Rescuer to Compassionate Supporter
The Rescuer acts from a place of compulsion. When we act with Emotional Assertiveness we step back, check the boundaries and ask rather than stepping in to act. We are available to offer resources if asked and always remember to respect the other’s capacity for self agency.
Transformation Example: Tom pauses and says to Sarah, “That sounds painful. Do you want to talk about what happened? I’m here either if you need to talk.”
From Persecutor to Assertive Communicator
Persecutors often present as hard or uncaring, whilst being over rigid enforcing rules.
The EA person says “we agreed to manage this by xxxx. Are you willing to keep to our agreements?”
Transformation Example: Sophie tells her son, “I feel angry-when you don’t do the bins as we agreed. Do you have an idea about how we can manage the so we respect our agreements.
Emotional Assertiveness Requires Practice
You won’t flip a switch and suddenly stop stepping into the Drama Triangle. These roles are often rooted in our childhood experiences and emotional defences that once served a purpose. But they don’t serve us now.
Sometimes, we need to say:
– “I don’t know what I feel yet, but I know I don’t want to snap.”
– “I need five minutes to calm myself so I can speak with you respectfully about this.? I want to respond in a helpful way and not react.”
– “This is bringing up something deeper for me. Let me reflect before we continue.”
Final Thought: The Real You Isn’t a Role
The Drama Triangle thrives on performance. Emotional Assertiveness reconnects us to presence.
We’re not Victims, Rescuers, or Persecutors. We are people—with feelings, needs, fears, and hopes.
When we own those openly and respectfully, we stop playing roles and start building relationships.
Let’s stop acting.
Let’s start feeling.
Let’s live emotionally assertive lives—out of the triangle, and into connection.
With love
John