You might be surprised to hear this, but authentic anger is a healthy feeling. In fact, unless it is expressed authentically—meaning in a way that seeks a win-win resolution—we cannot truly be happy. Healthy relationships require the ability to express anger constructively because avoiding or mismanaging anger can lead to resentment, misunderstandings, or emotional distance. When we express anger authentically, respecting self and the other, the happier and more connected we become, both with ourselves and others.
I learned about Authentic Anger during my Certification in the “Emotional Assertiveness” model, the training I never knew I needed. I am now committed to bringing this knowledge to the world, as I can see how much positive impact it can have on the quality of our relationships (at work or at home) and, importantly on our well-being.
What Is Authentic Anger?
Authentic anger is a force that drives us towards others with the intent to solve problems and build relationships—not to overwhelm or destroy them. It arises when our boundaries are crossed or when we encounter unwelcome changes in our environment. Unlike destructive anger, authentic anger carries no attack or blame, nor does it come from a victimized position. Instead, it seeks cooperation and mutual understanding.
When we express anger authentically, we aim for a win-win outcome. We need to be heard, to be taken seriously, and to cooperate while maintaining an “I’m OK, You’re OK” mindset. The goal is not to get our way but to find a workable compromise through negotiation. Healthy anger is about problem-solving, not about winning at the expense of another.
The Four Types of Anger
Most people do not express authentic anger but rather engage in different forms of unhealthy expressions of anger:
- Healthy/Authentic Anger – Expressed from a win-win, problem-solving attitude. It opens discussions for conflict resolution without blame, attack, or victimhood.
- Explosive/Attacking Anger – Expressed aggressively, with the goal of intimidating others and creating a win-lose dynamic.
- Implosive/Internalized Anger – Turned inward, often manifesting as self-criticism, guilt, or even depression.
- Vengeful/Vindictive Anger – Passive-aggressive and indirect, used to manipulate or provoke others into reacting with anger.
Learning to Express Authentic Anger
Most of us were never taught how to self-regulate and express anger in a healthy way. From childhood, we may have learn to suppress anger, replace it with pleasing behaviours, or use it aggressively to control others, or to sulk, or to show rage. As a result, when we feel angry, we either explode, suppress it, or manipulate others instead of using it constructively.
To develop authentic anger, we need to:
- Recognize our anger without judgment – Understand that anger is simply an emotional response to our needs not being met.
- Express it clearly and assertively – Use “I” statements, such as: “I feel angry when…” instead of “You make me angry.”
- Seek problem-solving, not blame – Focus on negotiation and cooperation rather than proving who is right.
- Maintain a calm, persistent approach – Instead of escalating, use a steady and clear tone to communicate needs and boundaries.
The Energy of Anger: Directing It Effectively
Authentic anger provides energy for conflict resolution, helping us stay engaged in finding solutions. However, if we do not channel it correctly, it can lead to unnecessary collateral damage—just like an uncontrolled explosion. Instead of erupting in destructive ways, we must direct our anger toward creating positive change.
Sometimes, letting go of anger is the best choice—when no constructive action can be taken our anger has no outlet, so we need to redirect it and let go.. Holding onto resentment is self-harming and fruitless. The key is to assess whether the issue can be realistically addressed and tak appropriate action, or discharge it, like playing energy demanding sport, walking, hitting pillows etc. If constructive action is possible, we should engage in problem-solving. If not, find ways that work for you to let go.
Conclusion: Choosing Authentic Anger
Healthy anger drives us toward maintaining relationships, not destroying them. It is a learned skill that requires self-awareness, self-regulation, emotional assertiveness, and a commitment to problem-solving. By embracing authentic anger, we create stronger, healthier connections and a more fulfilling emotional life.
So next time you feel anger bubbling up, pause and ask yourself: Am I seeking resolution, or am I being a part of the problem by trying to win or expecting to lose? Choosing authentic anger will lead to better relationships, greater self-respect, increased cooperation and a happier life.
Written by Magda Tabac, Certified Emotional Assertiveness Trainer.